Pluto Gets Downsized

Compliments of hoolinet.com

Written in August 2006 When an international meeting of astronomers decided to remove Pluto from the list of planets


Prague — The international committee of astronomers decided this week to remove Pluto from the list of planets. A spokesman released this statement, "We're awfully sorry to have to let Pluto go, but this restructuring is necessary to move this solar system forward. We've got to tighten our asteroid belt and make difficult decisions. We've really enjoyed working with Pluto in the past and wish it no ill will. We look on this event as a great opportunity to revitalize our system."

Behind the scenes however, things were reportedly more heated. Rumors abound that Pluto orbited slower than other planets, often appearing sluggish and possibly intoxicated. Some have reportedly complained about off color jokes directed at Uranus. Lawsuits by several asteroids demanding inclusion in the solar system reportedly also motivated the committee to take a hard line on planet definition. An original plan to use the world "Pluton" was rejected by their lawyers as demeaning and discriminatory.

Others have defended Pluto, claiming the decision to downsize was based on unjust discrimination. One anonymous insider claimed, "It's a new solar system, and if you're not wearing rings, or you're too small, you're just not flashy enough for the kids today. Besides, the committee was always uncomfortable with the attraction between Pluto and its long-term partner, Charon. It's just prejudice I tell you."

Pluto's press agent released this statement, "While Pluto is saddened by this turn of events, it's not bitter, rather Pluto looks on this as an oportunity to explore new and exciting projects."

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xicanista reports, "There are rumors Pluto is organizing an inter-galactic union of dwarf planets. They will hold their first meeting next week in Dwarf-Planet Eris' living room. Donuts and coffee will be served."

Hold the Jalepenos

Mark Newman, Enterprise Editor for MLB.com wrote:

MLB.com reader Rick Villier of Cincinnati has a better idea for remembering the new world order. "If you are going to use a baseball reference," he wrote in an email after this article was posted, "then the new order would be: My very educated mother just served us nachos (hold the jalapenos)."

Me: "Nachos without jalepenos is no meal at all. A solar system without Pluto is no solar system at all."

Me(again): "What do scientists have against a little spice?"

Hours passed and outtrage set in...

I don't think so!

Why isn't Pluto good enough? I wanted to know.

Evidentally it just doesn't fit the tidy definition of some scientists. The fact that Pluto has an oval orbit and uses both a moon and Neptune's orbits to help sling it around the sun makes it less than worthy to be called a planet.

I get the message loud and clear. This is a Regan-Era definition of planets. If you can't pull yourself up by your own boot straps you aren't worthy. Asking for help is a sign of weakness, not community, efficiency or a great symbol of mutal support.

MOTHER-OF-PEARL! Something must be done in defense of Pluto!!

Mourning: Pluto Dwarfed by Arrogant Scientists

A great sadness overcame me when I woke to the news that Pluto had been down-graded to "Dwarf Plant" status. A bunch of astronomers took a vote and said Pluto is a planet no more.

How could they do it? So damn cold hearted....